One Shot Regret
by GrandLadyMother
Summary: It is 1868. In Edo, HIjikata is restless, worried over Souji and thinking over his own regrets. And worse, his haiku isn't helping him cope any longer o 3o Read and Review, please?


_"Time, in it's own right_

_Will warp the soul to all extremes_

_For better or for worse"_

Hijikata, Toshizou stared down at the words he'd written on the page. It sounded mediocre, but then did any of his poems not? Sighing, he crumpled the paper and threw it across the room, into a pile of so many other mediocre haiku. It had been ages since they'd come back to Edo, and Souji...Souji...

Picking up another piece of paper, he tried again, rewetting his brush with ink.

_"Time passes by fast_

_Looking back is pointless now_

_We all are gone"_

Again he ripped it from the table and mashed it into a ball. His haiku weren't going to help, why write them anymore? As time went on the hobby only proved to annoy him instead of calming him as it had before. But then, now he knew Souji wasn't stealing his collection every other day. Now there was no one to read his pitiful attempts_[Hijikata-San:vein: I'm sure they know by now how bad it is, stop stressing the point already!_ . Throwing the brush aside, he rose to his feet, feeling more irritated than usual. It was surprising, since Ito wasn't around either.

_"You look like a caged bird."_ a voice laughed and he looked around for it's owner. There was no one. A ghost of his memory. _"I mean it, you really don't like being in one room for long, do you, Hijikata-San?" _it was a conversation he and Souji had had when the Ichiban Tai Kaijou were younger. Before the Shinsengumi had ever come to Kyo.

"Damn it." he sighed angrily, leaning on the doorframe leading out into the yard of the inn he was staying at with Kondou. The older man was dealing with business, of course, and Hijikata hardly saw him anymore. Of course, he hardly saw anyone anymore. He hated being alone, but there wasn't much he could do about it. Many of the others were in all parts of Edo, scattered. Running a hand through his hair he chewed on the mouth-piece of his pipe in frustration.

_"It wasn't your fault."_ Souji continued in the back of his mind. They were at Ayumu's funeral. Blinking he looked behind himself, into the room, where he could see Souji running after him as he ranted about mobilizing on Masuya.

_"Regret this, Hijikata. And don't ever regret anything ever again." _this was a memory of Yamanami standing before him, crying tears of pain after Souji had stabbed him. The fragment clutched at his sleeves and held onto the vice commander as he had the day he died.

_"You should try Kyo candies, they're a work of genius!" _Souji. _"Do you think Ayu-nee is smiling down on us now?" _Souji. _"You should have more faith, Hijikata-San. I think they're wonderful." _Hijikata blinked. He was sitting at his caligraphy table back in Kyo. Looking up, he spied Souji leaning over his shoulder, smiling. Smiling.

"Hijikata-San?" Toshizou's page slid the door open a crack and broke the dream that Hijikata had been having. Causing the older male to sit up on the mat that was his bed. It was late and the only light in the dark room was that of the candle Tetsunosuke held in his hand. It didn't illuminate very much, but enough for Hijikata to see the look of worry in the boys face. Blinking he ripped back the blanket, still pleated against his waist, and climbed to his feet.

"Get me an umbrella." he snapped and the red head blinked. He looked ready to ask when he turned and slid to the side for the inn-keeper to open the door further and peak in. She was a girl of perhaps thirty with a round, kind face. She looked surprised.

"There's a pair of visitors for you." she said in a thick, southern accent. Tetsu glanced at his master as the man stared at her looking ashen. A moment later the stillness was broken and Toushi bolted for the front door.

_Souji._

As he ran through the halls of the inn, his blood felt like ice pumping through his body, into his head and making it unclear. His brain was numbing. Reaching the front, he pushed back the screen of bamboo. His heart stopped. A woman stood there, tall and regal with plum-colored hair tied in a braid down her back. Her dark eyes were kind, but tired and sad as they turned from him to a figure sitting beside her in a simple wheelchair. He wore a plain, cotton kimono and a rug of violet over his shoulders. His thin, pale hands were folded in his lap, but trembling in a manner that stated illness of the nerves. His face was contorted into a smile, but was pale and sickly as it gave a very frank image. His long, dark hair was long and hung about him like a veil, with some strands limp on his shoulders.

"Hijikata-San." he said in a soft voice, his eyes bright as if trying to compensate for the joy his weak body could not convey. Toshizou blinked at him for a moment, feeling his brain thawing and a sense of joy trickling into him.

"Souji." he wanted to cry, seeing the younger male like this. Sinking to his knees before the man he clutched at his knees, taking the trembling hands in his own. They were like ice and it made Hijikata clutch them tighter until the woman baside him touched his shoulder, signalling for him to cease. His grip slackened, but he did not release Souji's hands altogether.

"I miss the sakuras. They don't bloom here this time of year." Souji sighed having been wheeled into Toushi's room, and taken residence near a window, looking out on the yard. Hijikata nodded, staring at the former Ichiban Tai Kaijou. He looked wasted away, sitting in that chair. After a minute Souji brought him back from staring. "I wanted to see you again." he said gently. "But I was afraid up until now." Hijikata blinked.

"Afraid?" he asked almost shyly and Souji nodded, smiling.

"I was afraid that you'd regret me." he said gently, causing Toshizou's eyes to widen. "Like you do Yamanami...I didn't want to burden you." he looked back at the window as he had turned his attention on his superior when speaking. "But..." he began again after a long silence from both of them. "I wanted to see you again, just once." Hijikata's back stiffened when Souji finished speaking.

"Just-?" blinking he leveled gazes with Souji as he looked at him again, his kind face adorning a sweet smile.

"I don't think I can hold on any longer." the younger man sighed tiredly, laying his head back and closing his eyes. "I feel so tired sometimes...and then it hurts so much..." he gripped the bamboo armrest of his chair. "I just...I don't want you to doubt me, like you do Yamanami...I don't want you to hurt over it." Hijikata reached to touch the smooth face of the man he'd known for over 10 years as a tear made it's way down it. The indigo eyes opened and Souji looked at him with honest sadness in them. Blinking back tears of his own, Hijikata pulled the captain forward into a hug.

"What do you take me for?" he mumbled into the sickly male's hair, laying a hand on the back of the plum head, holding him tightly. At first, Souji's arms pressed against his chest and then slowly, cautiously, they wrapped around his middle. "I couldn't regret it if you wanted me to." he kissed the younger males hair. "I do not regret having met you." he said and the plum-haired male looked up at him, reaching up to touch his face. Hijikata caught the thin hand gently and held it.

"Thank you...Hijikata-San."

_"The fleeting wind is warm_

_On my face before you today_

_I lay you down alone"_

Hijikata Toshizou stood at the crossroads sadly, looking into the sky that hung blue over his head. He held nothing in his hands, but wore a fashionable kimono of black and white. A hand on his shoulder made him turn to see Kondo, Isami standing there looking sympathetic.

"It's time." he said gently and Toushi nodded, shrugging away from the older man's grasp and returning with him to the funeral.


End file.
